Tom Cruise Probably Thought Cher Was Xenu

Cher is back! As if she ever left our hearts. Despite claiming her performing days were over in 2005, she has signed to do a series of shows at Caesar’s Palace. I’d totally go. You know why? “Gypsies, Tramps & Thieves”. “Dark Lady”. “Half-Breed”. “Just Like Jesse James”. Dude, she has some hot songs. As long as she keeps that ass covered and doesn’t work the duct tape fishnet outfit that made me sterile, I think I need to go. Cher is allegedly receiving 60 million for the stint replacing Celine Dion as Vegas’ biggest draw. In an interview, Cher said “I know it’s a lot, but I don’t care. If it’s a lot, if someone says, ‘ooh, it’s a lot,’ OK. fine. It must be a lot.” I wouldn’t care either. Cher’s down to earth in her weird plastic surgery delusional icon way. She also admitted to dating Tom Cruise at one point! Like a gay moth to his gay icon flame! “He just was the most adorable man that you can possibly imagine,” she said. “I have to say, I don’t understand the scientology thing because I don’t understand it, you know. Sonny was a scientologist. I didn’t understand that either.” None of us, sweets. Cher also says that she turned down Elvis Presley and Marlon Brando for dates. Bitch is picky!