Jessica Alba Has Honor, Tori Spelling Has Stella

Baby names! The how and why! Jessica Alba named her newborn daughter "Honor" because she wanted the kid to be as stank in personality as she is. No, it had something to do with virtues. Or something. I don't know. I don't love it, but the father's name is "Cash" so whattaya want?

"My guess is that Jessica Alba, going through life as one of several trendily-named 'Jessicas' in any room, was looking for a name that was both classic and unusual, and she made an excellent choice," says some baby name expert that Usmagazine.com got ahold of. And I thought my job was fluffy.

"Honor is one of the Puritan Virtue names that has been making a comeback along with sisters Hope, Faith and Charity," Pamela Redmond Satran, coauthor of baby-naming guides Cool Names and The Baby Name Bible . I thought she named the kid Honor because she said it was an honor to have Cash's baby?

Tori Spelling picked "Stella" which is one of the cooler names in Hollywood, or so this bitch says. As long as people aren't named "Jennifer", "Ashley" or "Tiffany". No offense to readers but I was tired of those ones even as a child. EVERYONE was named "Jenn". EVERYONE.

"Stella has been one of the hottest star baby names for over a decade now," Satran says. Melanie Griffith, Dave Matthews and Elisabeth Shue all have daughters named Stella, which means "star." Oh, Tori's totally reaching.

If I ever had a kid (if like say, hell froze over and I suddenly developed ovaries), I always wanted to name him "Finn." Then some good friends of mine named their son that. So now my baby name is "Milo." What's yours? Why in hell am I choosing baby names. I'm queer, and can barely take care of myself. Let alone a human being. I would probably let the kid play with plastic bags and knives. No, thanks. I don't even want a dog. I've been known to kill fish. This is why I don't work in human services. Invalids and old people would choose death over being cared for by me.

Photos: WENN